A few months ago I was given an unusual order… put some weight on.
This, by the way, is not the way to make friends!
I’m having a reconstructive surgery that includes fat transfer. But I don’t have enough.
It sounds great doesn’t it? It isn’t.
So since September I have tried to remove food rules and healthy habits and have stopped exercising. In three months I’ve put on a stone. (It doesn’t help that I have an active job.)
It wasn’t easy. The girls at work helped: ‘You know you could swap that herbal tea for a gingerbread caramel latte…’
I’ve observed this stone grow from grains of sand, peppered over my body, to a coat of pebbles, to a full stone with bizarre fascination. This stone used to be my happy shackle.
As it’s cushioned me in these cooler months, I realise it doesn’t really change the way I look. That’s what I used to care about. But my body is still fine. It needn’t have given me so much agro.
Of course since I was last captain of this extra stone, the respect I have for my body has morphed. I’ve committed to treating it like a friend. My thoughts about it aren’t critical and mean anymore. Some people I speak to still think that isn’t possible…
But what has happened is an experience of what fat harvesting feels like in my body:
***STOP! Re-write! Sorry. You see? This is how difficult this is. We are so hard-wired into being down on our bodies, fuelling it with miserable messages. Me! trying to change your perspective, was about to do it again! This is what learning looks like. This is what change looks like. You. Will. Get. It. Wrong. So stop. Stop focussing on what’s not right babe***
My joints ache – I feel arthritic I feel sluggish – never energised I have to eat to the point of discomfort most of the time My head feels foggy My sleep pattern is like a toddler’s scribble I can feel the added weight in my knees when I go up stairs. My clothes all feel like the Three Little Pigs’ underpants My muscle tone is poor – my core is kaput And it’s not as easy to find my calm I’m pro self-love… just as I am. Even now my body is performing a service for me. But I’m also pro calm, pro feeling good, pro body respect. To being true to what my body needs. To listening to it. I can’t wait to have my op. Not just for what it will create for my body but for what I can then create in my body. No matter what… love your body first. No matter how complicated it is. From there amazing things can happen. Including calm.
Well that last bit was ok. But here’s the thing, since I’ve had to change here’s how my body has stepped up:
It has remained free from injury
It has provided me with ample sleep
It has crafted a home and sustenance for my family and friends
It has looked for calm and sometimes found it
My digestion has worked well under less than perfect circumstances
It has provided me with my living, my life’s work
It has endured the cold winter
It has comforted my children
It has created Christmas
Above everything, it has silently, obediently, done what I’ve asked it to, which is ably put on some weight, which will eventually be harvested for my reconstructive surgery. Now how clever is that?
And I am very proud of it. Well done darling. You’re doing great.
Love me x